


When We See The Light

by StarSpangledBucky



Series: Destiel [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean, Angel Castiel, Angels, Angst, Blood, Cas Saves Him Every Time, Crying, Crying Dean, Dark, Dean Feels, Death, Demon Dean, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, Emotional, First Kiss, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Someone Brings Him Back, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-24
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-08 21:22:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3223889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSpangledBucky/pseuds/StarSpangledBucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dean is lost without Castiel after his death. He feels like he’s alone until he let’s it all out on Sam. Dean decides to do the last thing he never thought he’d do, end it all. Can he be saved before it’s too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When We See The Light

**Author's Note:**

> I made it explicit because it's pretty dark. This all stemmed from my own emotions, writing is very therapeutic for me and it helps me clear my head, so I ended up with this.
> 
> Title inspired by the song Dance On Our Graves by Paper Route.
> 
> I hear something out there callin' my name.  
> No matter where I turn it all looks the same.  
> I never sleep at night, I just stay up and wait.  
> But the burning in my blood never came.
> 
> Will I know it?  
> Will I know it?  
> Will I know it when I see it?

__

_It was never meant to end this way, it shouldn’t have happened at all. They were on a case, together, Castiel, Sam and Dean...Team Free Will. The apparent ‘abandoned’ barn was swarming with rebelling angels, ones after Castiel, ones after revenge. Castiel had tried to reason with them, pleaded even...he begged for mercy. They had him by the scruff of his collar, an angel blade pressed to the back of his neck. Dean and Sam were held back, Dean crying out that broken, feared yell for his friend. Friend. He was a friend once, to Dean he was so much more, and he hadn’t realised it until that very moment. For once in his life he saw the true fear in the angel’s crystal blue eyes._

_“I’m sorry Dean,” he whispered._

_“Don’t... Cas,” Dean replied._

_Castiel  looked to the angel holding him, then to the one with the blade at his neck, then to the ones holding Sam and Dean. He glanced at Sam, he stared at Dean...for a long time...such a long time._

_“Do what you want with me, just please...let my friends go...” he pleaded._

_“ Cas no!” Dean yelled, his green apple coloured eyes widening in horror._

_Dean felt the dull ache in his chest, his heart rate quickening as he struggled against the angel’s grip, he was too damn strong for him. Even though Dean was still full of demon juice, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t get free. And it was probably because he was so riddled with fear for Castiel that his strength...no, Castiel...was weakening him._

_“Please,” the angel begged._

_Even Sam shook his head in protest, pleading to Castiel with his eyes and his facial expression._

_“We’ll let them go...just as soon as we are finished with you Castiel,” the head angel answered._

_The scream rattled through the deserted forest area, crows cawing as they fled from the ‘threat’ that was presented to them. Light billowed into the sky, before slowly dying out. Dean and Sam’s eyes were still squeezed shut as Dean’s body trembled violently. They were released not long after, Dean falling to his knees, Sam running over to Castiel. The shadow of his wings spread wide and free from under him. The older sibling stood shakily, jeans and hands caked with dirt as he stumbled over to the angel. He dropped to his knees again, hand resting on Castiel’s chest. It was no use holding back the tears that started to form as he shook Castiel lightly._

_“ Cas?” he whined, sounding like a wounded puppy._

_Nothing._

_“ Cas!” he yelled, voice hoarse and broken._

_It was never meant to end this way._

Dean gasped for air as he sat upright in bed, sweat clad on his forehead, his neck and his chest. Some damp strands of sweat slicked hair fell against his forehead, it’d been months since he’d bothered cutting his hair, it was longer than it usually was. Every night he tossed and turned, having the same nightmare, the same torture...he was a wreck. No matter how hard Sam tried to help him, it wasn’t enough. The older Winchester consoled in his brother when he needed to, which wasn’t very often. Dean could see his eyes flickering from black back to green, to black again, in the mirror directly across from his bed. This growing ache inside him was burning him deep, his outbursts became more frequent. Most nights, Sam would come back to the bunker from a case or a beer run and find Dean sprawled on the floor, knees up to his chest, weeping. He’d never seen his brother like this and it was very out of character for Dean. Other nights the younger Winchester would come back and Dean would be gone, but he didn’t go far, he only went for a walk to clear his head.

It wasn’t until one night when he heard roaring from down the hall. They were like the roars when Sam was pumping human blood into Dean, the way he struggled against the chains and sounded like a predatory animal, like a hell hound. Sam was racing down the hallway to Dean’s room, when he heard them stop. The brunette stood just outside Dean’s door which was slightly ajar, his eyes looking in cautiously. Dean stood with his hands braced on the wall, head hung as he dropped the empty bottle of whiskey to the floor.  _Oh Dean..._  Sam thought, worry crossing his face.

“Sammy?” Dean spoke, rough and weakly.

That was the first time in a while since he’d heard himself being called that. It’d been a while since Dean had actually acknowledged that Sam was there.

“I’m here Dean,” he replied.

“Can you-” Dean paused. “Can you come in here?” he asked, sounding a bit slow with his words.

Sam knew his older brother was drunk, the way he swayed, his slurred sentences, his bucket load of tears. Dean never cried so much in his life, all over one guy...one angel. But Castiel meant everything to him, he meant the world.

“You’re not going to lash out at me are you?” Sam questioned, pushing the door slightly.

“No...I just need my little brother...I need somebody,” Dean confessed.

“Alright...alright,” Sam whispered.

He entered the room slowly, hands held up in front of him as he made his way towards Dean. His hand rested on Dean’s shoulder as his brother turned, Sam gasping in shock. Dean’s eyes were the colour of the darkness, but what concerned Sam more was the blood running down his face.

“Dean you’re bleeding,” Sam issued.

“Crying Sam...crying bloody tears,” Dean drawled, his hands shakily grabbing Sam’s shirt.

“Hey, hey...look it’s okay, you’re fine,” Sam soothed, grabbing a rag sitting on a chair as he wiped the crimson smears away.

Dean’s eyes flickered back to his normal colour as he collapsed into Sam’s arms. His fingers curled into Sam’s plaid flannel, shoulders shaking. It was the first time in a while since he’d had contact with anyone, falling into his younger brother’s embrace was a gift for him. He cried weakly, new tears forming, clear and salty as he held onto Sam for dear life.

“I can’t do it anymore Sammy...I can’t,” he breathed out.

“You’ll get through this Dean, I’ll help you, I promise,” Sam answered.

The sobs only grew loudly and his grip tightened on Sam, who now had his arms wrapped around Dean comfortingly.

“Sam, I-” Dean stopped, closing his eyes as the tears streamed down his chin to the floor. “I loved him...” he whispered.

Sam knew that, he could see that look Dean gave Castiel every time they were together. He could see the way Dean smiled when Castiel was trying to say something funny and it didn’t quite come out right. Hell, he even saw the sneaking glances they’d both share when the other wasn’t looking. Sam would have called it pathetic and laughed about it, if it weren’t for Castiel’s absence right now.

“I know Dean,” he spoke.

“You’re full of crap little brother,” Dean chuckled softly.

“I’m serious Dean, you don’t think I saw the way you looked at Cas. The way you hugged him longer than you used to. Dean, you begged for his life when he died, when he gave himself up to save us, I saw you twitch with a need to tell him something. I know...” Sam explained.

“Crap, I make everything obvious don’t I?” the older brother questioned.

“Yeah, you do,” Sam retorted, smiling a little.

“Can we go for a drive?” Dean asked, pulling apart from his brother.

“Sure Dean...I’ll drive,” he mused.

Dean just nodded, stumbling to the chair to grab his jacket, which he carelessly shrugged on. He looked a mess, but they were only going for a drive, he didn’t care.

“Let’s go,” Dean sighed.

They were quiet when they went to the Impala, they were quiet when they sat inside it. Dean was curled up in the passenger side, his head resting against the window. Sam knew he was pretending to sleep, because even with Frankie Valli playing in the background, he could still hear Dean’s muffled cries. He’d noticed the change in what his brother listened to...they were sad songs, maybe it was a way for Dean to grieve. Maybe...maybe it helped him, Sam wasn’t so sure. He didn’t ask Dean where he wanted to go, he knew he’d want somewhere quiet, somewhere overlooking a lake perhaps. As long as it gave Dean some sense of closure, it made Sam feel at ease.

_Loneliness is the coat you wear_  
_A deep shade of blue is always there_  
_The sun ain't gonna' shine anymore_  
_The moon ain't gonna' rise in the sky_  
_Tears are always clouding your eyes_  
_When you're without love_

* * *

Water lapped against Dean’s legs as he stood in the lake they’d stopped at. He’d rolled up his jeans but there were still splashes of water catching the ends of his jeans. He didn’t really care much, he just enjoyed the relaxation and calm he felt standing there. Sam sat against the hood of the Impala, watching his brother closely. He would never think of Dean to be someone who did something drastic, something to ease the pain, but he kept watch anyway. The hunter looked up at the sky, his eyes still moist with tears as he prayed to nobody. Heaven was still locked up, crazy things were still happening and Dean was lost. He missed praying to Castiel, he missed when the angel would show whenever he called. Their profound bond was shattered now that he was gone...dead from this world. Dean always wondered where the angel might have gone, he wondered if Castiel’s angelic vessel was somewhere else, or if it was trapped in the void because it couldn’t go to Heaven.

“What am I supposed to do?” he spoke.

Silence.

“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!” he roared, spit shooting out his mouth as he clamped his hands in his hair.

Sam was alert, but stayed put, in case Dean settled down again, which he usually did.

“What can I do when all I want is for Cas to come back, that stupid, dorky little guy. How am I supposed to get through this when all I feel is pain every second of the day? Someone...answer me,” he begged.

But nothing happened, no one fluttered their feathery ass to Dean’s destination. He was giving up, his heart aching, his eyes stinging from all the tears he shed.

“I can’t do this,” he wavered.

The thoughts had been swimming around in his head for weeks, thoughts of welcoming death. Dean’s jaw clenched at the thought of how Sam would react, he’d be leaving his damn brother, alone...with nobody. But the demon side of him was pushing him further and further into the very pits of what he saw as Hell. Hell to him was not having Castiel around, his angel...he wanted to call him his angel.

“Dean?” Sam spoke, appearing behind him.

“Yeah?” Dean answered, turning around slightly.

“We should go...get some rest, get out of this cold,” he issued.

Dean didn’t want to leave, but if he stayed any longer he’d just be talking to himself. He responded with a simple nod as he walked out of the lake and started putting his shoes on again.

_“Dean...”_

His head shot up as he looked around, there was nothing, just fog now crossing over the lake. It added an eerie feel and Dean felt his stomach twist. _So now I’m having voices in my head?_ he thought. Although, it wasn’t just any voice, it was Castiel’s, and it only gave him a little comfort before it faded. Dean swallowed what he wanted to speak, repeating it in his head, he didn’t want to say it out loud. He couldn’t even manage two steps without breaking down again, Sam rushing to his side. What the hell was happening to him?

_“ Cas I need you man...”_

* * *

_“He is calling for you brother,”_

_“I know,”_

_“Then why will you not go there for him?”_

Castiel stood beside Gadreel, his eyes distant and hollow. He was alive, and he didn’t know how, it was a miracle to say the least. For the amount of times he had died, he felt like this was his last, that he was truly gone. But someone must know he is needed, he is needed by many. He can’t lead an army very well, but he can sooth the very heart of Dean Winchester. Gadreel was still dead, but they were in a void, Castiel was going to be reunited with his human vessel sometime soon, if not very soon.

“I feel like Dean is in danger,” Castiel spoke softly.

“Then you will go to him?” Gadreel questioned.

“I will, as soon as I get back with my vessel, well...as soon as Gabriel gets back with my vessel,” the angel replied.

“He takes some time does he not?” Gadreel asked.

“He’s the trickster, what else can I say about him,” Castiel mused.

Gadreel fell silent as he averted his gaze from Castiel. They’d since grown close as allies since Castiel’s death, he and Gadreel would spend large quantities of time just sharing stories.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come back with me?” he queried.

“My place is here Castiel,” Gadreel replied bluntly.

The angel nodded in understanding, sharing a small smile with the other angel.

“Gabriel doesn’t want to come back either,” Castiel issued, looking down at the ground.

“We all know when our time had ended. I do believe yours hasn’t, nor ever will for a long time,” Gadreel answered. “It would appear to me that Dean is more fond of you in other ways,” he added.

“You say that like it’s a good thing,” Castiel laughed lightly.

“I see no harm. One should have the right to choose who they love,” Gadreel commented.

Castiel raised a questioning eyebrow.

“When Metatron wasn’t behind bars, he told me all about his plan, his little...story,” he continued. “He spoke of you, and said after a rousing speech, your true weakness is revealed. You’re in love...with humanity,” he informed. “I may not know much of feelings or emotions, but I think that humanity...is Dean Winchester,” he explained.

Castiel felt an abnormal stutter in his chest as his face turned to that of confusion, then realisation. From spending so much time with Dean he had become aware of human emotion, then there was his time spent as a human. He understood the struggles, the hardships, he understood desire, fear, care...he understood love, because of Dean.

“Am I wrong Castiel?” Gadreel asked, breaking the silence.

“No,” Castiel replied bluntly. “You were never wrong Gadreel,” he added.

Gadreel nodded his head, a small smile curving in the corner of his mouth.

“Hey you two asshats, I’m back,” a voice spoke suddenly.

“Gabriel,” Castiel answered.

“Got your vessel little brother, you ready to go?” he questioned.

“Yes, can I just have another moment to speak with Gadreel?” Castiel asked.

“No can do kiddo, we-you gotta’ run. Something whacked up is going on down at that bunker, Dean’s in trouble of some sorts,” he mused.

The youngest angel’s baby blue eyes widened as he rushed toward Gabriel.

“Take me to my vessel,” he demanded.

“Take care brother,” Gadreel encouraged.

Castiel didn’t have time to reply as he felt himself slipping into darkness, he was going back to Dean, to his home.

* * *

Dean was screaming again in the bunker, behind his closed door. Sam heard it, but decided to leave him alone for a little while. He couldn’t sleep with all the noise, so he sat in a quieter part of the bunker and read some lore books. Dean’s screams stopped as he clawed at the sheets on his bed, tears raining down his cheeks. His eyes flicked to black as he let out another roaring scream, his head falling back. He wanted it to stop, he wanted all the guilt and pain to stop. As he downed an eighth glass of whiskey, he threw it at the wall, glass showering onto the floor.

_“It’s all your fault,”_

_“He’s dead because of you,”_

_“How could you not save him?”_

The voices screeched in his head as he buried his head in his arms, weeping and rocking back and forth. It was overwhelming what he was feeling, he was feeling everything. He felt anger, hurt, anxiety, he was losing his damn mind.  _All this over a friggin’ angel_  he thought. It was unbelievable how attached he was to the blue eyed man that would pop up now and again. Now he couldn’t have that...ever. Castiel was gone for good, from what Dean knew.

“I’m sorry Cas, I’m sorry,” he sobbed.

As he rested his head back on his bed, he thought about what he was yet to do. He couldn’t kill himself with a normal blade, couldn’t kill himself with a demon blade. The first blade sat beside his bed and he stared at it, feeling the burn in his arm from the Mark of Cain. He’ll do it that way and he’ll make sure he practically guts himself so he can’t come back. The thoughts in Dean’s head were toxic, they weren’t thoughts he’d ever thought of. But a force was dragging him there, dragging him into the pits, into the unknown.

“I’m sorry Sammy,” he whispered.

His hands and legs were shaking as he stood, eyes glassy, bloodshot and puffy. Dean was a fucking mess put it that way, he was wrecked. The blade was calling out to him in his head, he felt that ache in his core, begging him to touch it. He forced his eyes shut as he reached down for the blade, a single tear sliding down his left cheek. When his fingers curled around the blade, he felt his body burn like a raging fire. There was always that urge to spill blood when he took hold of it, if he didn’t kill he’d spew up blood, he’d get weak. Yet here he was going to spill his own blood anyway.

“I’m sorry Mom, Dad, S-Sammy, Bobby, Kevin...” he stammered. “Ellen, Jo, Jody, Charlie...Cas,” he breathed out. “And everybody else who I let in close to my heart,” he added.

Dean raised the blade, feeling it shake in his hand.

A sudden loud banging of a door roused Sam from his sleep he’d dozed off to at the table. His eyes widened as he pulled his gun from his jeans and hurried down to the bunker door. He lowered his gun immediately, eyes widening as he saw a familiar face staring back at him.

“Cas!” he yelled.

“Where is Dean!” the angel exclaimed, rushing down the stairs.

“Cas how are you a-alive?” Sam asked, confusion crossing his face.

“I don’t have time to explain where is Dean!” he roared.

“In his room,” Sam replied.

Castiel raced down the hallway, feet sliding on the floor as little as he stopped at Dean’s door. He knew it would be locked and he held his hand out towards it. His eyes glowed bright blue as it flowed to the palm of his hand also. Sam stood back as he watched the wooden door shatter into a million pieces.

“Dean! Drop the blade!” Castiel bellowed.

Dean froze, hand still gripped tight to the blade. His eyes opened slowly, hand trembling as he turned his gaze to the door. He felt like the air had been punched out of him when he saw those familiar blue eyes staring back at him.

“Cas?” he whispered.

“Dean...drop it,” the angel commanded, eyes burning into the hunter’s.

The blade fell to the floor with a clattering sound, Dean’s legs giving out on him as he dropped to the floor. Castiel rushed to his side, his arm circling around Dean as he pulled him into an embrace.

“You’re not real! You’re not real!” Dean screamed, clutching his arms to his chest.

“I am Dean. I’m here,” Castiel soothed.

It only took one touch of Castiel’s trenchcoat for Dean to know that he was actually telling the truth. Dean broke down as tears flooded his eyes, his hand gripping tight to the angel’s arm. Sam stood at the doorway, a few tears welling in his eyes as he covered his mouth with his hand. He turned away from the room to escape from what Dean was about to do. His bedroom door slammed, but neither Castiel nor Dean paid any mind, they were too focused on each other.

“You’re here...” Dean choked out, burying his head into the crook of the angel’s neck.

“I always come when you call,” Castiel soothed.

Dean choked back a happy laugh as he closed his eyes, taking in Castiel’s smell, it was the same as it always was.

“How?” he asked. “How are you alive?” he continued.

“I don’t know Dean,” Castiel replied. “That wasn’t exactly on my mind when I found out you were going to-” he paused, feeling an ache in his heart.

“I’m sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry Cas, please forgive me,” Dean pleaded.

“Dean I could never be mad at you for this,” he whispered.

“You saved me Cas, again, for god knows how many times,” the hunter wept.

Castiel’s gripped tightened on Dean as he held him close. He’d never felt this overwhelmed before, he should be feeling nothing, it should all be alien and complex to him. But it wasn’t, because Dean had been showing him what it was like to have emotions ever since he raised him from perdition.

“I’m just glad you’re here...” Dean whimpered out.

“I’m staying Dean,” he issued, rubbing Dean’s back gently.

“Cas...I need to tell you something,” Dean replied. “Something I should have said a while ago, something I shouldn’t have hidden away,” he continued. “I-” he paused, nerves taking over him.

“Dean...I know,” Castiel hushed.

“No Cas, I need to say it,” Dean muttered. “I love you,” he confessed.

The angel’s mind started swimming, he knew that’s what Dean was going to say, but he didn’t exactly expect him to confess it right to his face. He shifted a little and it made Dean worry, until he felt his head tilt back slightly.

“I’m going to try something Dean,” he spoke.

“Okay...” Dean answered.

So he kissed him, Castiel  _kissed_  him. He kissed him with every flaring bone in his body, deep and tenderly to the point where Dean thought he would lose his breath. The angel half expected Dean to shove him away by now. But...Dean kissed him back too, his fingers grasping Castiel’s trenchcoat tightly. It was like something new ignited in Dean and he felt weightless...he felt free. Once they had pulled apart for air, Dean’s lips still lingered near Castiel’s, his breath slow and calm.

“Took you long enough,” he joked.

Castiel mustered a small laugh, his breathing a little heavy, he hadn’t kissed anyone that passionately for so long, with all the kisses he had experienced anyway. The corner of Dean’s mouth curved into a small smirk as he ran his fingers under the angel’s jaw.

“God I missed you,” he hummed.

“I missed you too Dean,” Castiel mumbled, breath brushing Dean’s lips.

“Stay?” Dean asked, eyelids opening a little.

“I’ll always stay with you Dean,” he assured him.

With everything else pushed to the side, Dean captured Castiel’s lips in his again and lost himself in the sensation. It’s what he had needed, he had it now...he had Castiel, he had his angel.

_It was meant to end this way..._

 

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't leave it at a sad ending x
> 
> Find me in tumblr at x-crossbones-x


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